Feeling of Loneliness or Emptiness

Somedays are different that others but today I woke up not the same. It is weird since there is nothing out of the extraordinary today; at least that’s what I think, unless I am too blind not to see the reality. Anyway, I woke up feeling a estrange sensation in my whole body and mind. I can’t explain why I feel like that. Sometimes there is no reason at all, it just happens, or the reasons are so well hidden in my unconscious. It is Monday. So what? Let me tell you that Mondays are my favorite day of the week. In the past it was horrible not to be able to see the first kid a raised because it too far. I used to pick him up on Friday nights and drive him back on Sunday morning. That was a 6 years routine. Of course on Monday I was feeling lonely as hell. After a long weekend with him I couldn’t have enough of him, it was so incredible and all of a sudden I have to leave him. I assume many single parents go through that situation, not likeable at all. But that is in my past, hey, I know sometimes past bothers me without any warning (you can check on “Dealing with the truth” for more knowledge). However this is not the case, like I wrote before, my son now is very close to me in distance, and pretty much I see him every day. Thanks to god I don’t have any problems with his grandparents, whom gave him shelter. I appreciate the way they treat me. At the beginning of the separation it was not easy and harmonious, it was understandable. With Letty I am fine, I still like her, though I am not going to explain the reason why we broke up. It has been more than a year and a half from the separation. I think our disagreements have healed to some extent, so our relationship flows comfortably.

I keep thinking what is in my mind that gives me that strange feeling. My body feels tired, I feel sort of empty. I slept normally yesterday. Last week was an exhausting one. Moving and organizing and expending more time with my son. Please don’t misunderstand me but expending time with a child is exhausting, ask anybody who has kids. They are loveable but demand a whole lot of attention. Although I know how to differentiate fatigue from emotional distress, it is not that. Perhaps the weather, I didn’t eat breakfast soon enough: No. Yes, I have some issues now like getting a job ASAP, but still I don’t think that’s the cause.

What then? I have cut in more than sixty percent the amount of cigarretes I used to smoke. Perhaps is that. I have an anecdote to tell you. Many years I felt a panic attack. I was at the verge of breaking down. My best friend was with me and he told me to go to the psychiatric hospital a block from his house, he said they will help you. I have never in a place like that. Though I know I am crazy, still not enough crazy to get in there. Do you feel me? Anyhow we went there, we just walk one block. They let us in and ask us many questions. We waited for a long time until an extraterrestrial came in. I could him that because his face was unlike any other. The man asked me to follow him, and I did. All of a sudden I was getting further away from where my friend was. The extraterrestrial started asking me many questions. I said I have a panic attack can you help me? He asked me if I smoke, I said yes but I have been trying to quit. He said that’s why you feel like that. He said wait. Then he started to call other people I just got scared and more nervous than originally was. I don’t to that man anything about drugs, I just say smoking so I don’t think he was thinking the wrong thing, or perhaps I was wrong. Then I walked out to find my friend. I told him about it and more people came all dressed the same way. They did not want me to go until we started a sort of rampage to flee the scene of the crime. We left the hospital. Now I laugh, and my best friend always apologizes for that inconvenient. The man told it was a withdrawal effect from quitting smoking. That happened in Lima where mental health is viewed improperly. Happily me and my friend run out of that shit hole.

Most likely is the withdrawal of cigarettes what is giving me that sensation of loneliness or emptiness. That being mixed with several other things might contribute to me feeling down today. Yes, smoking is no good and I am tired of it. Though I struggle all the time, I always relapse because I am afraid that the quitting will be to damaging to me and I prefer to avoid that sensation by smoking again. Sad but true.

Fear to be Alone

One might suggest that loneliness is the consequence of been alone. I have had that feeling before. But let me explain to you something important if I may. In my case I prefer to be alone because I am an antisocial, hermit, ascetic and/or whatever you want to call it. I don’t hate people; it is just that I prefer my solitude. Even more it helps in concentrating when I am writing, thinking and Philosophizing.

Being surrounded by one or more person doesn’t mean that you are accompanied. You can be in your house with talking to your roommate, wife, kids, parents, etc. So, you feel alone. You can be at a social event and feel anxiety because of the fact that new people and new environments makes you uncomfortable. You can have a panic attack in the elevator or in a room full of people, it does not matter. I know loneliness causes anxiety and depression, but it will only hurt you if that is what you need. Mostly fear comes out of no concrete cause or factor. That’s the way it has happened to me since I acknowledge my own Depression. Sometimes the cause is there but it is not visible.

Sometimes you just don’t know why you feel alone, you cry, I have cried many times and I am not ashamed, we all cry. I prefer not to cry for any emotional reason but it happens. Even if you were fine the day before, all of a sudden you feel pain in your chest, that is not the problem. The most important thing is how we cope with it. If you need to take medicine go to a specialist, they will prescribe you what is best for you. Now, I take my medicine every day and sometimes I feel bad, should I blame the medicine that is not doing any good to me, not necessarily. If you have been taking a medication for quite a while, let’s say six months, and then the medicine might not be the problem. Perhaps there is not even a problem; it is just the way some bodies work. My body is dysfunctional, I know that and that’s why I read a lot about depression and nutrition. Sometimes even skipping a meal can cause your body to depress itself or maybe a lack of vitamins, especially after forty years of age. In women is different, I don’t know exactly, but there are several hormonal changes every months, before and after having a kid, after forty and many more things I am not aware because I haven’t  search for that information.

I remember feeling lonely, scared, afraid, even with people around me. It was an awful sensation. When I was young it lasted for hours or less than a day. After my thirties my period of feeling lonely lasted days, sometimes weeks. I did not know at that time what to do, so the symptoms worsened as they came by. I don’t how I survived to all that shit but I did. I was lucky. Usually as it worsened it came with harder effects like pain. Not physical pain, emotional pain, pain that was in my head, and later it was transmitted to my body, decaying it. I remember I did not look well at all, my face was sad; I couldn’t look at peoples face. I did not want to do anything just sleep.

Please remember that those symptoms are horrible but with a bit of experience and knowledge can be manageable. I have been through this; it will go away with patience, good friends and family warmth, and maybe medicine.

Take care.

Hope this post is usefull for you.

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Forgive my grammar, English is my second language.